Lottie Loves Read online

  Was I okay? Did I believe him? Actually, yes, I trusted every word out of his mouth. He’d never given me reason to distrust him before, any doubts I had came from inside of me. My past, my lack of self-worth, my fears of ending up alone again, that was all on me. But would it be that simple for us to get back to how we once were? Had too much happened now?

  “And I guess I also want to know what happened with Joe?”

  Fuck! My mind went blank, all questions flew away as my eyes snapped around to meet his. How the hell did Danny know I’d been to see Joe? I didn’t have the paparazzi following me, there were no online pictures of me, the only public thing I’d done recently was accept his friend request…

  “I only ask because of all the stuff you have lying around.”

  Oh my God, of course! Everything was all over the living room still, including my very open diary. I knew I was going to have to explain all of this away, especially now that Danny had been so honest with me, but I didn’t like doing it when I was already a bit exposed. It made me feel far too vulnerable. “Oh…I…” My tongue was all tied up, I didn’t know how to even start forming words, never mind full sentences.

  “I guess I always guessed that there was more to your relationship with him, but I didn’t realize how much…”

  I stormed past him, pushing him out the way as I walked. I had no idea how to feel, so for the moment I’d settled on anger. I felt like Danny reading my diary was a huge betrayal, and that was the only way he could’ve known anything. In all honesty, it was probably guilt transforming into temper. I was simply rolling with it because it was spurring me forwards. Standing in the hallway staring at Danny wasn’t getting me anywhere, whereas rage possibly could.

  “I’m sorry,” I could hear Danny calling out from behind me. “I didn’t mean to look, I just came home and you weren’t here. I was heartbroken, thinking I’d lost you forever. Then I saw all the photos on the floor, and a diary. I didn’t delve in too deep, I only read the page the book was open on—”

  My face had drained of blood, all of my organs were ice cold. In my hurry to leave, to see Joe once more, I’d left the diary out on the worst page possible…

  4th July 2007

  Joe is the love of my life, I will only ever love him. He’s utterly perfect for me, and I can’t see that ever changing. We’re going to get married, and have children. We’re going to make this last forevermore, no matter what.

  I had to confess everything, it really was now or never. If I didn’t get this hideous, awkward conversation over with, then the time would never come around again. If me and Danny were ever going to have a chance at a future, we needed to do it with open eyes, honesty, a fresh start with a clean slate.

  I slid my eyes shut for a second, and sucked in a deep and calming breath…well, it didn’t calm me down at all but the intention was there. Then I parted my lips, and I forced my voice to burst out. “I went to see Joe, that’s where I’ve just come back from.” My heart thundered so loudly I could barely hear anything else, but I could hear the silence ringing through the room.

  Danny wasn’t saying anything, maybe because he had nothing to say.

  I turned back to him slowly as a numbness crept through my veins. The heat from the anger was no more, the cold from the guilt had vanished, I’d been left an empty husk with a whole lot of explaining to do.

  “I’m sorry, I know I should’ve told you. I guess I just freaked out because of what I thought you’d done.” No, I couldn’t leave it as just that. It wasn’t only because of the cheating rumours, my doubts had started creeping in the second I thought he was going to propose to me. “But I guess I always had a lot of unfinished business with Joe too.”

  Danny moved into the same room as me, but only to sit on the sofa. He might’ve been physically nearer to me, but emotionally he might as well have been on the other side of the planet. His walls were high, protecting him, and it was up to me to try and tear them down.

  “He was my first everything. My first friend, boyfriend…lover.” Urgh, I wanted to cringe, but still I needed to get this all out. “I assumed that we’d always be together, I loved him fiercely. I didn’t think I’d ever be able to see anyone but him.” Pain etched in Danny’s expression, and the temptation to stop was there, but I couldn’t now. Not if I finally wanted to be set free. “We made plans for the future, and I assumed that I was set.” I sat down too, my body unable to cope with the weight of everything going through my mind. “But then…” This didn’t really feel like my secret to tell, but I had to if he was ever going to understand. “His sister committed suicide, and it tore the whole family apart.”

  “Oh my God…” Danny was clearly stunned, and I hadn’t even finished yet.

  “Then we discovered that his dad and my mum were having an affair, which was probably the final straw.” Wow, saying it to someone else and seeing his stunned expression made me recognise how mad it was. “So our lives just fell apart.”

  “Until now?” Danny stared up at me, question filling his gaze. I got the distinct impression that he was trying to figure out where he stood now. This was crazy, he probably arrived home thinking he was going to have to grovel to get me back, but not because of this. I wondered what his face looked like when he walked into this mess.

  “I went to see him, to try and figure out what could’ve been.” I rubbed my cheeks awkwardly as I recalled the moment I actually walked out on him. The liberation of that hadn’t yet had the time to sink in. It still all felt like something that’d happened to someone else. “But honestly I think we were always too different, I was just too young to see that at the time.”

  “So…he isn’t the ‘one that got away’?”

  “No.” I smiled, happy to acknowledge that. “No, he’s the ‘one who was never meant to be.’ If all that other stuff hadn’t happened, then maybe we could still be friends, but there’s no chance of that now. Too much water under the bridge, you know? I’m glad that I went to see him though, just so I can know that for sure.”

  “Right, okay.”

  A pregnant pause filled the air, me and Danny sat there in a thick, tense room. Unspoken questions were floating between us, all the things that neither of us knew how to say, but the main thing I thought that both of us wanted to know was what would happen now. This was the biggest roadblock that me and Danny had ever had to face, and I wasn’t sure if it was too huge for us to overcome. I didn’t want to lose him, I wasn’t ready to say goodbye completely, but was that because of love, or because I’d already seen off so many other people today?

  “I guess…” Danny’s voice had a wobble to it, and my heart stopped dead in my chest. Was I about to have my choice taken away from me already? “There’s something I want to ask you. I mean, I didn’t want to do it like this…I had a whole thing prepared, with flowers, music, balloons…”

  Balloons? Something about this felt huge, my ears pricked up, and I found myself leaning in a little closer.

  “But, I don’t know. Maybe I should ask you now?”

  “Ask me what?”

  He slumped to the floor and grabbed my hands in his, staring deep into my eyes. I felt like I knew exactly what this moment was, but my brain hadn’t totally caught up yet. It was stuck in ‘freak out’ mode, just waiting…waiting…

  “Will you marry me?”

  Oh.

  My.

  God.

  Epilogue

  “Are you sure about this?” Cici asked me, with a doubtful look in her eye. “Have you really thought it all through? I just want to make sure you’re making the right choice for you.”

  I stared at her for a second, wide-eyed and shocked, before bursting into peals of almost hysterical laughter. “It’s a bit too late for the ‘cold feet’ speech now, don’t you think? I have the dress on, my hair and makeup has been done, all our families are waiting in the church…”

  “Oh no, I didn’t mean marrying Danny, of course that’s the right choice for you.” She rolle
d her eyes in an overly exaggerated manner. “I think we’ve been through enough drama in that department. No, I meant the garter, are you really sure you want to wear it? It’s a bit of an old-fashioned thing these days, don’t you think? And it’s pink…that doesn’t really go with the rest of your ensemble.”

  “No, I know.” I took the lacy material from her and stroked it gently. “But Tegan made it for me, and I don’t want to do anything to mess up that relationship. It’s so new, and while she isn’t here, she still wanted to be a small part of my day.”

  Cici carefully stroked her pale, pea-green bridesmaid dress under her butt as she sat down in front of me, and took my hands in hers. “It’s amazing what you’ve done, you know? I think it’s absolutely incredible. Not only did you finally put all that mess with Joe behind you, but you’ve rebuilt things with your mum, started to get on a more even keel with Malcom, and you’ve contacted your half-sister, all while planning a wedding in only six months. Not many people could achieve that much.”

  “Well, I suppose when you put it like that it all sounds a lot.” I blushed furiously, but smiled to myself at the same time. “But I just wanted to be proactive. Saying goodbye to Joe—even if it did take him a while to finally get the hint…”

  “Yeah, it’s a shame you had to resort to blocking him, but he needs to move on just as much as you have.”

  “It all made me see how much wider my family, and my life, could be if I just gave it a chance. Messaging Tegan Paige and meeting up with her for a coffee was only a small step, but I know it’ll lead to great things in the future.”

  Again my dad’s face filled my mind, but I wasn’t totally ready to contact him just yet. I was being brave, but taking it all at my own pace to ensure I didn’t overwhelm myself again. I wanted full control of my life now, and that meant doing things at a speed that suited me. Maybe I’d never get there, and that was okay too. As long as I was happy, and right now I was absolutely ecstatic. Nothing could bring my amazing mood down.

  “Urgh, I’m so jealous that you’re going to Indonesia tomorrow for your honeymoon, you’re going to have the best time ever.”

  “Well, we’re going to need to relax while we can, it’s going to be crazy busy when we get back. Danny will have a whole ream of press conferences to deal with to help him slot back into the band.”

  “It’s good they didn’t want to let him go, but do you think Jax will ever be the same again?”

  I had faith in Danny, I knew he’d find a way to make it work. He always did the right thing, and this was no different. “They’ll be just fine.” I smirked happily. “I’m not worried at all.”

  “So, are you ready?”

  I turned to examine my appearance in the mirror, running my eyes down the ivory, lacy dress which burst out at the hips. I checked that the tiara was still in place, completing the princess look, before nodding satisfactorily. I’d spent my whole life feeling plain, not quite good enough, but today I was a beauty, and today I was about to launch into the rest of my amazing life with the man of my dreams.

  “I’m ready, maid-of-honour slash temporary-dad-to-walk-me-down-the-aisle. As long as you’re there to hold me upright, I might just be about to get through this.”

  She slid her arm through mine reassuringly, and helped me to take that first step forward. The way my heart pumped violently in my chest had absolutely nothing to do with nerves, it was all excitement. I finally felt like me, and that combined with the knowledge that it could only go up from here, was the best emotion in the whole damn world!

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  Acknowledgements

  First off, I would like to thank everyone at Limitless Publishing for their belief in Lottie Loves. Thank you Jennifer O’Neill, Lori Whitwham, and special thanks to Toni Rakestraw for your wonderful edits. The story would not be the same without you!

  I would also like to thank everyone who liked, voted, and commented on the story when I first published it on Wattpad. Your support encouraged me endlessly and helped bring the book to life.

  Finally, thank you to everyone who has read the book, I hope you’ve enjoyed Lottie Loves, I cannot wait to hear what you think.

  About the Author

  Samie Sands is a 30 year old freelance graphic designer who has recently decided to follow her lifelong dream and use her creativity in a new way by writing.

  She has a degree in Media Studies and PR and has already had articles published in a number of e-zines, including one of the most popular pieces at Zombie Guide Magazine. She has also had a number of her short stories included in some very successful anthologies.

  She lives in a small seaside town in the UK, but loves to travel to gain inspiration from new places and different cultures. To follow Samie’s work, please check out her website http://samiesands.com

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